A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." 
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?" 
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately 
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 
gas with the beat of the music. 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, 
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. 
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." 
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." 
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." 
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. 
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." 
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. 
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." 
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. 
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." 
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." 
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. 
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. 
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. 
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" 
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. 
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." 
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. 
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. 
She then asked him, "How does that feel?" 
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop. 
J(ohnny):I want a pistol 
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols) 
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this, 
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose? 
J: For shooting cans. 
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one. 
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one. 
S: And what cans will you shoot at? 
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. 
"Of course, my son," said the priest. 
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." 
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. 
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man. 
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. 
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" 
"Of course, my son," said the priest. 
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. 
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 
"What's up?" he says. 
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. 
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" 
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor. 
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. 
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." 
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. 
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" 
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." 

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."